


Our Beautiful Goodbye

by MochaDae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Soft Husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23874355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MochaDae/pseuds/MochaDae
Summary: “...when the time comes, may our goodbye be as beautiful as our times spent together; our love will not be forgotten my love.”
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13
Collections: Shall we Chen? Fictional Fest First Round





	Our Beautiful Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to dedicate this to my beautiful friend who hurt me with their story. They know who they are. It was because of them that this story was even born. This story was created and finished that same day they broke my heart with their fic. So my dear friend, cry your fucking eyes out and I hope your heart breaks like mines did.
> 
> I would like to thank my dear friend who helped with a lot of quotes, finished some sentences and gave me advice. Thank you so much, this wouldn’t have been the same without you H ♡︎♡︎♡︎

It felt bittersweet yet again. The flowers were blooming, animals were coming out of hiding, some people were born, winter was ending. Life was slowly coming back into the world, yet the person Jongdae wanted to live the most wasn’t coming back.

Their smiles wouldn’t bloom in their faces and develop into something so beautiful like a flower. Their eyes wouldn’t brighten like the sun coming out of hiding from the clouds. They wouldn’t leave the covers and the bed to walk outside to enjoy the warmth as if they had been in hibernation. They wouldn’t because they were gone.

_When the breeze flows_  
_Gently around us_  
_Let’s sit face to face_  
_And talk about our breakup_

Jongdae could remember their last words to each other like a broken radio. He could remember how still the breeze had been, clinging into their skins and tears as if to comfort them because they knew they would need it. And oh they did, they needed the comfort so much because it was ending. Their happiness was ending so much sooner than they had expected.

_The winter passes and the flowers bloom_  
_We said that_  
_We’d be alright_

_“It’s ok Jongdae, it’s ok, please be alright for me ok, Love?”_

_“Min-“_

_“For me, please.”_

_“I’ll be alright…”_

_A peaceful sigh, “I’m glad.”_

It was not alright. It hurt, oh god, it hurt so much everyday. The reminder that their playful kisses would never return, their hugs at the end of the night as they wished each other ‘goodnight’, that their love would never once again grow stronger every moment they spent together. It was not alright, it was not okay!

Jongdae would always find himself crying in their bed in the side he knew wasn’t his. He would clutch the sheets so tightly until his nails pressed painfully into his palms. He would sob his heart out to cry for his lover he knew would never come back no matter how much he begged the moon and the sun and time.

_When April fades away  
Let’s walk away  
As if nothing’s wrong  
So that  
Our last goodbye  
Will be beautiful  
Just smile a little longer until then  
Smile_

_“What do you mean you have until April to live! Minseok, please tell me you’re joking!” but Jongdae could see Minseok’s smile that used to be radiant fall short. It was gentle, a bit sad, but it was accepting of his fate. His fate he knew would one day come for him no matter what everyone around him tried to do._

_“Jongdae, Love, it’s ok,” it wasn’t, Jongdae could feel a lump on his throat. His eyes were so watery Minseok was a blur against his tears. His heart was squeezing itself so bad he almost felt like it was trying to kill him. The world was trying to kill him by taking away the most important person in his life._

_“Hey there,” Minseok cupped his hands around his cheeks, wiping away the stray tears that would leave out of Jongdae’s shaking body. “It’ll be fine Love. I’m going to be alright and so will you. Let’s enjoy our lives like they were before I got sick and before I got stuck in the hospital all the time. Let’s smile a bit longer.”_

_Jongdae was shaking his head, hands trembling so hard that even if he clenched them it wouldn’t make them stop. No, he didn’t want to act like nothing was wrong. He didn’t want to act as if his husband whom he had shared his life with was leaving him. No, he didn’t want to accept it when they had been fighting so hard._

_“No...no...no Min,” he lifted his trembling hands to bring down Minseok’s into his own. He placed a shaky kiss on his knuckles, sighing in between a sob. “I can’t smile, I can’t smile knowing I will lose you in a few months. Minseok how can you tell me to smile?”_

_Minseok rubbed his palm with his thumb, watching sadly as the man he loved crumbled under the future ahead of them. He understood the pain Jongdae was going through, but he had accepted that he wouldn’t be able to be with him until his end like he had promised at the altar. It hurt him, but he had made peace with it months ago._

_“Dae, whether either of us wants it or not, I will have to leave. I don’t want to go, but it seems I must. I’ll wait for you, but I don’t want you to rush,” Jongdae was still shaking his head, bringing him into a hug and burying his head in his shoulder. “I’ll still love you, I still love you my love.”_

_Jongdae sniffed, choking on another sob, barely able to murmur, “I love you so much Min,” before dissolving into a mess in the arms that would no longer hold him in the future. Their future that they had hoped would be their happy ever after, but it seemed life didn’t have the same plans._

_“Let’s play pretend Dae, just one last game,” Jongdae lifted his head to look at Minseok. He needed to take in his every feature. He needed to remember the shape of his lips, the slants of his eyes, his growing wrinkles that appear from too much smiling. He needed to remember everything for an eternity alone seemed to await him._

_“Anything,” he caresses his cheek gently. Minseok leaned into his touch like he always did, following his palm until their forehead touched. Doing his best to control the blurriness on his eyes, Jongdae blinked rapidly. He didn’t understand how Minseok could be so calm and accepting of his own death._

_“Let’s pretend everything’s ok, make these last few months of my life the happiest please. After April fades, walk away from this Jongdae. Don’t hang into me if I’ll bring you this much sadness. Please Jongdae.”_

_Oh, how much Jongdae wanted to say ‘No’._

_But he had said anything, “I’ll love you until your last breath my love. I’ll make you the happiest.” He promised with his heart breaking and soul shattering._

_“But I can’t walk away as if you don’t mean everything to me Love, I can’t walk away without feeling empty. I can’t help but cling into you.”_

_Minseok smiled sadly, having expected that answer. “It’s ok, when the time comes, may our goodbye be as beautiful as our times spent together; our love will not be forgotten my love.”_

And it was. Their goodbye had been so goddamn beautiful that it made Jongdae hurt even worse. Minseok had left with a small smile, looking at him with so much love even as his life left him. One second he was breathing, slowly fluttering his eyes shut, the next he last breath left him. The never ending note ringing across the room.

It had been anticlimactic. There wasn’t a storm, rain beating on the room. No dramatic sobbing, or struggling when the doctors came to confirm the very obvious news. There had been no fight left in Jongdae as they wheeled Minseok’s body out of the room. His face still held the echo of his last smile.

_If you turn back time_  
_To when we first met_  
_Don’t stand_  
_There underneath the streetlight_  
_Don’t smile_  
_And don’t push your hair back like that_  
_So that_  
_I can just pass you by_

Jongdae wanted to lie and say he would’ve preferred to have never met Minseok. He wanted to say, had he had a chance, he wouldn’t have looked underneath the streetlight to catch a glimpse of the soaking wet guy pushing his hair out of his face, flash him a struggling smile as he let the rain cover him. He wanted to lie so bad.

But he couldn’t. Because if he had a choice, he would’ve still walked over to the guy, held him umbrella under his soaking body and invited him over to his house to get dry clothes. He would’ve still smiled at him back, awkwardly given him his number after the guy promised to return the favor. Whatever happened, he would’ve still gone out to coffee because Minseok had been the best thing that happened in his life.

Minseok gave him so much light, so much love and happiness, all the pain at the end had been worth it. As he cried on his gravestone on his third anniversary, he regretted not having found him sooner. His love had been eternal, even in death his heart still lived for only one.

_Even if I comfort you  
And ask why you’ve changed  
You drift away_

_“You’re so cheerful, Love,” Jongdae wrapped his arms around Minseok’s waist, catching him after running after his husband who seemed to have a lot of energy these days. He could remember how a few days ago everyone treated him so gently, knowing he was still so fragile._

_“I’m happy!” Minseok kissed the corner of his lips, a laugh bubbling out of his mouth. He blanked out for a few seconds, swaying side to side before slowly coming back to Jongdae worriedly holding him more tightly. He smiled sadly, patting Jongdae’s shoulder reassuringly._

_“It’s ok Jongdae, I’m ok,” Minseok wasn’t okay, his head was pulsing with a splitting headache. He was trembling from exhaustion after running, nausea coming back. He knew he probably looked seconds away from fainting, he felt seconds away from fainting._

_“Don’t be so careless Min, you could seriously hurt yourself.” Jongdae carried him to the nearby bench, fussing over him as soon as Minseok was sitting down. He cupped his cheeks, looking around for non-existent bruises he knew he would find, but he needed to reassure his panic inside him._

_“I’m sorry,” Minseok took his hands from his face, his eyes guilty, his smile sad._

_It broke Jongdae's heart to see him like this. Everyday that passed it felt like they were drifting further apart no matter how much they tried to reach for each other. They were changing when all they wanted was to keep things the same._

_Jongdae sat down, “No, I’m sorry. I keep pushing you away when I told you I would make you the happiest. I’m sorry, I’ll do better I promise.” He brought Minseok’s hand to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on his skin, thumbing over the lingering warmth._

_“It's ok, we still have time.”_

How much Jongdae hated time. He hated the ticking of the clock that determined how moment left each millisecond. All he ever wanted was more time. More time to have loved his husband the way he deserved, to bring him more happiness, to cherish him until he knew he was loved every second.

All he had asked, was for a little more time.

_Let’s say  
Our last goodbyes  
I pray that before this time ends  
You can find happiness  
Let’s not forget our love_

_“What would you say is your happiest memory, the happiest you’ve ever felt?” Minseok kept drawing random doodles over his chest, head nestled on his uncomfortably laid shoulder. The sheets still felt sticky against their sweaty skins, the reason was their actions from previous moments._

_Jongdae paused his gentle caress to think back. He first thought of the day he asked Minseok to be his boyfriend, it had been cheesy and beautiful. The day he proposed, cheesier and lovely. The day of their wedding, one of his happiest memories. Their anniversaries, nothing could compare. Yet,_

_“The day I realized I get to call you mine for the rest of our lives.” It wasn’t as much as the wedding, nor the start of the relationship. But the reassurance when Minseok held him close, gave him his heart so trustingly. His vulnerable heart that to that day Jongdae still treasured._

_“And you?” his heart was filled with so much love for the man in his arms. Even when they had fought, when they had screamed and yelled and made the other hurt, his love had never faltered. They made it work, even on these difficult times that would soon come to an end, they made it work._

_Minseok looked at him so softly, “Right now. Right now you’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever felt. You’ve loved me everyday, risked hurting yourself and yet here you are right now, still loving me, still making me the happiest. Every second I spend with you is the happiest. I’ll never forget the love you’ve given me, I’ll die before I forget.”_

_“God you’re terrible, so horrible, how could you,” Jongdae laughed bitterly, eyes watering. But the clench in his heart was worth it for the way Minseok burst into giggles, snuggling closer to him, laughing as if his words weren’t already literal enough. His heart was clenching in pain, but warmth with love. Feelings were so confusing._

_“I’m serious Jongdae, whatever happens, I won’t forget our love. Will you?” his eyes were still so bright, still so full of love and adoration. He was still alive in Jongdae’s arms and that was more than enough motivation for him to remember. To never forget the love that would last him for as long as he lived._

_“Never.”_

“Oh, Love,” Jongdae caressed the printed stone, freshly picked flowers resting in front of it. “I meant it when I said I would never forget our love. I still love you, despite the age of time, my love for you has neither withered nor faded. Some say love can be described as fleeting, but ours is written in stone, my beloved.”

The breeze was always so still when Jongdae came back every few months, clinging to him as if to comfort his tender bruised heart. Today it enveloped him like a hug, dried his tears, made a wreck of the strands of his hair like a lover would caress their love. Almost as if it was telling him that it was enough.

“I get it,” he looked up at the wide blue sky, “I get it my love, it’s time.” He smiled.

_You and me_  
_Us_  
_Together_

The leaves of autumn fell in a playful dance, crunching under the steps of hurried adults and running children. The breeze ran after them, chasing everyone to their destined future; some that was home, others it was death…

...and for the soundless laughter that echoed through the ears of in between, it was the comfort of forever.

**Author's Note:**

> The end I tried to leave enough clues for the reader to interpret that yes, Jongdae did died. Don’t ask me the specifics of their deaths because I want to leave that as a mystery (I actually have no idea, leave me alone). But whatever way does the reader want to interpret the end, go ahead. I hope you enjoyed it and yes my dear friend, your tears were very much needed


End file.
